What ever happened to this thing?

Sometimes I find old things I decided to write down. little essays, or journal entries, or all manner of things. And I remember what I was writing about, why I was writing it. They're never really positive, because I don't tend to write when I'm in a good mood. Sometimes the bug hits me, but very rarely. Sometimes it's depression, or fear, but more often it's actually a response to some thought that hit me. So thinking about thinking comes up sometimes. And now I'm thinking about thinking about thinking, though we'll stop that train of thought here. This time, I'll keep it more to why we do what we do.

That's always been the question I ask. Why do people do what they do? And you can start to find general trends if you look in the right places. That's all that sociology is. And you can try to see how that fits into other subjects. That's why I studied religion. But really? When it comes down to it, people still make their own ways, even if they follow a larger trend. Who you are really does come down to what you choose to do, but who you are also determines what you do. A nice person does good things because they're a nice person, and because good things seem like what they want to do. The same goes in reverse. So take that and look at yourself. Everyone does things, then asks why they did it. But you had to have a reason. I do what I do because it seems like what ought be done, but why ought it be done? Why do we look up to the people we do, live up to the standards we do, like what we like and hate what we hate? And if you try, you can find a reason. Eventually you'll find a reason that satisfies you. But we don't have time to figure out all of those. So we have to figure out what's important to figure out, and figure it out. I could care less why I find meat delicious, but why I have the friends I do is of much more importance. Because if I know that, I can keep those people I've found, find new friends, and potentially make the relation with them all the more rewarding. I gain no such benefit from knowing about meat.

Is this why things are seen as important or as trivial? Few ask WHY something is beautiful, being satisfied that it is. Perhaps, then, understanding meanings is not the only way to gain a true benefit from something. I feel as though understanding the root of beauty, making it rote formula, that would make it banal and no longer worthwhile. It would lose a quality it held before which gave it its beauty. But it is only through understanding a part of beauty that we can even know this. Even the knowledge of what not to seek out needs to be found. But in my experience, one cannot brute-force their way to understanding. Understanding is something that comes in flashes of inspiration, a spark of light to the flash pan, illuminating, for brief moments, that which we are to understand. If we don't write, we lose this, we are forced to find it again. So I think this will become where I write. To capture those moments in time, a thousand words to try and reclaim the picture in my mind.

I blame the ginu

So a few days late, but oh well. As with everything, blame Gina. Apparently the topic of the blog-o-blag this time is what five songs I would consider the soundtrack to my life as of this point. I had a hard time with it, what with not having a huge musical basis to work with. But screw intros, I have a list to make.

1) The Fixer - Pearl Jam

When somethings dark, let me shed a little light on it//When somethings cold, let me put a little fire on it//If somethings old, I wanna put a bit of shine on it//When somethings gone, I wanna fight to get it back again

This song. This song right here. I heard it and just sorta realized how well it sums up how I look at...well, too many things. I don't know something, and once i realize it, I need to know. I see something wrong, and I do my best to right it. And the chorus, well, that just takes the part of me I'm just a bit conflicted on. On the one hand, I realize that I can try a bit too hard to get things back from where they are to where they were. I'm bad about that. On the other, it means that I don't just let things go. I make sure that it makes its way back. Its just plain stubbornness in the face of loss that means it doesn't get allowed to happen. If people question why I do what I do, why I take the stands that I do, this song is probably the best reference I can give. Not because it really tells them why, but because it says all they really need to know.

2)Long Day - Matchbox 20

And I'm so terrified of no one else than me//I'm here all the time//I won't go away

Me at my low times. I get bad when I start thinking. When I turn on myself. When I start seeing my flaws and my failings and start looking at what I've done and will do. And I realize that it's all just me, and I can't get away from myself. I have to keep figuring out ways around myself. And when I'm at that point, when I can't just be with myself, I turn to people. I just try and find that person that's going to get me to keep going this time. And I know I do that a lot. Sometimes it just keeps happening. I start to realize when I do it too much, but that doesn't stop it from happening. And when I'm stuck by myself, the day drags until I can get to whoever it is I need. The mind beats itself while waiting for the person that's going to tell it to hold itself back. Its been getting a bit better lately, not nearly as bad as it was, but still, I can't deny that it's still here.

3) Dig - Incubus

If I turn into another//Dig me up from under what is covering//The better part of me

Not unlike the last song. This one, however, is that rise I get when I'm coming out of that place of my own. It's the song that reminds me that for each down, for each long day, there's someone there that pulls me out of it and reminds me that I've got a lot more left to me than I thought. To the negativity of Long Day, Dig represents the hope. It's also a reminder that I'm not in this alone just as much as anyone else. It reminds me that as much as I rely on others, they rely on me too. If they rely on me, then I need to keep myself up to keep them up. And they do the same for me.

4) Can't Repeat - The Offspring

Memories are bittersweet//The good times we can't repeat//Those days are gone and we can never get them back

The amount of times that I just sit there and think about the past, what's gone and not to return, kinda amazes me. It always kinda creeps up, and then it hits me like a bag full of bricks and angry cats. I do wish I could just make things stop, take a step back into the past and just relive some of those times that may not have been very important, but still just felt...right, in some way. When things were simpler, if not just because I didn't understand things. But then again, the present is just that moment before the past, and there's no way to stop it from happening. To stop this moment means freezing everything, and I can't imagine any way that would be good. So this song really just takes that struggle, the fight between past and present, and makes it easier to follow. And really, even if tomorrow cries, could it not be tears of joy?

5) Paper Wings - Rise Against

Is this the life that you lead//Or the life that's led for you?//Will you take the road that's been laid out before you?

For as much as I enjoy their other songs, this is always going to be my favorite song by Rise Against. Partly, I admit, it's because it was the first song of theirs I heard, so it became the benchmark. But when I look at it as a song beyond just that, it just sorta clicks with part of me. That part of me that's trying to convince myself to get into gear and just start. Its my reminder to myself to not ignore opportunities. To tread new ground, try new things, be my own person. Because its not like anyone's going to wait for me if I stall. At best, they'll just tell me what to do and make my decisions for me because they're tired of waiting. That seems to be a trend with me, sitting and waiting for somebody else to do it for me, or tell me what to do, instead of trying it myself. And as much as I don't want to decide for myself, some part of me just tries to push myself. Another thing to chalk up on my wall of inner conflict. But this one I indulge sometimes, and usually it works out fairly well. So I just need to keep doing it, and see how it pans out.